My life-long journey with self-help and self-development began by accident in 1967 at age fifteen. In celebration of Canada’s Centennial I began writing My Diary. I discovered the therapeutic value of journaling, a practice I have taken up again in retirement.

Also in 1967 I discovered the benefits of jogging and I became a life-long runner. As a teenager, I often suffered from depression. I quickly learned the mental health benefits of physical activity. Jogging helped me feel better emotionally and achieve a measure of peace of mind. Now in retirement I am very grateful that I can still run 10k on my treadmill in less than an hour. As I run I try to practice mindfulness and being fully present in my body with an attitude of gratitude.

At age eighteen I joined a benign Christian cult and stayed until midlife. There were both harms and benefits and for me personally there was a net positive impact on my life. That was certainly not true for all members. But I was young, immature, naive and troubled. I needed to be in a supportive community. Better to walk with a crutch than fall flat on your face. At midlife I was able to stand alone on my own two feet. In retirement I still crave being part of a healthy community.

Soon after joining the church I joined Spokesman Club, a men’s club built on  learning public speaking skills. I thrived and the confidence I gained has served me well ever since. There was also an emphasis on building character, overcoming weaknesses. Of course, as I later came to see, there was also unhealthy manipulation and control.

The church I had joined observed Passover. Once a year we were commanded to examine ourselves, specifically, we were instructed to dig deeply into our sinful nature and seek forgiveness. I think that I have always been naturally introspective and this annual practice heightened that tendency. We also washed each other's feet, a practice intended to enhance humbleness. Again, there were both healthy and unhealthy aspects to these practices.

My teenage depression lessened in my twenties but did not disappear. I became quite discouraged, not understanding why I suffered from such dark episodes and wondering why God’s Holy Spirit was not helping me overcome and grow. I sought counselling from my church pastor. He recommended a book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. This book popularizing cognitive behavioral therapy helped me a lot. Beyond the techniques offered in the book, it did something else that was important. It gave me hope, a belief that there were things I could do to help myself. 

The title of one chapter of Feeling Good became deeply embedded in the mind: Dare to be Average! Intellectually, I understood that message but I was conflicted. I knew I was just an average person but emotionally I hated the idea. Only in retirement do I feel an acceptance of being average. I now celebrate this reality with the tagline on my website: The Life of John Stokdijk - an average and ordinary life.

Since Feeling Good I have read many self-help books. In hindsight, I wish I had kept a record of them all. But I will mention several more books that were particularly helpful.

At midlife I experienced a classic male midlife crisis. I lost my Christian faith which in turn caused a crisis in my marriage. At the same time I was experiencing career plateau, falling far short of my ambitions. For about five years I suffered from severe cognitive dissonance as I built a new worldview and changed my career aspirations. It was a difficult time but I came out of that period a better person. The crucible of life can yield benefits which exceed those from any self-help book.

I joined Toastmasters International for three years and thrived. Three times I was club champion and, if memory serves me correctly, twice I was the winner at the area level. Twice I competed at the Division level but advanced no further. This experience was excellent self-help, building healthy self-esteem based on real accomplishments.

In 1997 I found another self-help book that was a gem: The Highly Sensitive Person - How to Thrive  When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron. I answered True to 20 of her 23 self-test statements. I think for the first time in my life I felt normal knowing there were many people like me. That insight was very encouraging. I am still easily overwhelmed and struggle at times. But I accept this as my innate nature.

From a mental health perspective, my twenties were better than my teens, my thirties were better than my twenties and my forties were better than my thirties. Then I turned fifty. I was unable to cope with workplace stress and quit my job which led to financial problems and serious tension in my marriage. Once again I was under the dark cloud of depression. During this time I once seriously considered suicide.

A wise colleague in my volunteer activities urged me to seek professional help and I did. I no longer relied solely on self-help and experienced the benefits of psychotherapy. I have counselled with three psychologists at three different times in my life. My second experience was beautiful as I felt totally supported, deeply understood, all without any judgment. I tell others that everyone should go for psychotherapy but almost no one does.

There are a number of book reports that I have written which add to the story I am telling in this essay. I will list them here. Reading self-help books is easy but actually doing what they advise is very difficult.

It's Easier Than You Think - The Buddhist Way to Happiness by Sylvia Boorstein
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
The Moves That Matter - A Chess Grandmaster on the Game of Life by Jonathan Rowson
KNOWING THE DEEPEST  HAPPINESS - A Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness and a Workbook by Dr. Larry John Barnhardt
Being In My Body: What You Might Not Have Known about Trauma, Dissociation and the Brain by Toni Rahman
Aging as a Spiritual Practice: A Contemplative Guide to Growing Older and Wiser by Lewis Richmond
Collective Presencing by Ria Baeck
Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor

And recently I read...

The Art of Self-Improvement: Ten Timeless Truths by Anna Katharina Schaffner.

I live in a community with thousands of retirees. I have met many people here but only a very few have intrigued me from a self-help and self-development perspective. Each had arrived at a point of consciously ending their quest for growth and development, fully satisfied with their accomplishments, very much at peace with themselves and their place in the world. I wonder when I will reach that stage. Now 70, I remain determined to continue my personal journey seeking further development.