I am trying to better understand something I experienced in 2020. For about six months, from April to September, I had a period of enhanced well-being. I had less anxiety and better mental health. I had more moments of feeling joy. My relationship with Pat felt easier than usual. I would not go so far as to say that I had an extraordinary experience nor a deeply spiritual experience. But it would be very nice to be like that all the time.
We can never fully understand our own feelings, but it is worthwhile to try. There are several factors which I think contributed to my better mood. But I am unable to rank them, unable to know which factor, if any, deserves emphasis.
I definitely felt a lot of gratitude for being retired and not needing to worry about my job during the coronavirus crisis. Our finances are reasonably secure. We live in a very comfortable house and enjoy a great climate. Local shopping and delivery services are meeting our needs. We are healthy and are able to exercise regularly on our treadmill. Pat and I are both introverts, a personality type that seems to have an easier time adjusting to quarantine. Circumstances make a difference. Feeling gratitude everyday makes a difference.
I am a think ahead, plan ahead person. But in March our world suddenly changed so dramatically that it was only possible to live in the present. We were adjusting day to day, thinking ahead to next month made no sense. I have long been aware of the Buddhist concept of the eternal now but it became very easy for me to live that way. From experience, I now more deeply appreciate the connection between being fully present in this moment and a sense of wellbeing.
At midlife, when I left the Christian faith, I faced the terror of death. Over a period of years, I conquered the fear of dying which I think many people unconsciously bury. Suddenly with Covid-19, a new death threat was everywhere and on the news daily. I was deeply moved emotionally by this new source of suffering. But no fear of death was triggered in me personally. Of course, it helps that to date no family, friends or acquaintances have succumbed to this new disease.
Also, over a period of many years, my attitude towards uncertainty changed. I was once a True Believer, but that worldview crumbled. I learned to cope without being sure of my beliefs. The events of 2016 once again shook my view of the world to the core. However, during the last four years I have increasingly gained insight into how very uncertain everything is. By 2019, I had already embraced uncertainty as something positive to be awed by. I was very aware of how much I did not know, or could possibly ever know. So when the coronavirus crisis began, it did not shake my foundation.
I felt a need to express myself and began writing essays. I am not a good writer and I could never earn a living that way. But expressing my views in writing and building my website was deeply satisfying and gave me a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
And, in 2020, via Zoom, I attained a meaningful sense of community. I have a strong sense of where I belong, physically and spiritually. From my first visit in 2006, Lakeside has always felt like the place where I should be living. Although I am aware that Mexico lacks the resources to adequately cope with the coronavirus crisis, this is still the place I want to be at this time. But more importantly, I have found an online community in which I am very comfortable and I have made new friends.
My discovery of Collective Presencing generated feelings that were almost euphoric. The intensity of those feelings have waned considerably. I am now experiencing some frustration with my lack of success in moving forward with a collective presencing practice. I remain hopeful that something will emerge in 2021. I have captured this experience in writing in detail.
Finally, somewhat paradoxically, the coronavirus has been described as The Great Pause and a time of acceleration and magnification. For me, it has been a time of some positive changes and letting go of certain things. It has also felt like a time of growth, gaining deeper insights at a faster pace, accompanied by a feeling of exhilaration. And I have been inspired by some who are attempting the greatest project in human history, preventing the collapse of civilization and transitioning to a radically better world.