In 1967 I kept a diary as a Centennial Project. It has always been precious to me and I took it with me whenever I moved. Now in retirement, beginning on my seventieth birthday, I am reading and commenting on this very personal record.
I am very grateful that I kept a diary when I was fifteen years old. But the words on the pages are not alive in my memory. Most of our past experiences cannot be adequately relived and most soon fade away.
1967 - January
January 1
I am in the middle of one of my many moods of depression and dread the thought of going to school again in a couple of days.
My struggle with depression and my awareness of my moods was a major theme in my diary.
January 3
Went to catechism class as usual tonight.
I had a religious upbringing in the Calvinist tradition. I attended church and was part of a Young People’s group. In my diary I occasionally mention Rev. Hart but I have no memory of him.
January 9
A man on the radio showed the signs in the Bible of the last days were now being fulfilled. He sounded very convincing.
This innocent sounding thought would later prove to be extremely significant. That man was Garner Ted Armstrong and this was the start of my journey into a benign Christian cult. I stayed for twenty-five years and I wrote about my experience in My Spiritual Journey - Part 1 - My Cult Experience.
January 14
I went to Terry’s to watch T.V. for a while this evening.
It was always a treat to go to a neighbor’s house and watch TV. I grew up without a TV in our home. I have long been grateful for this because we focused on reading books.
January 18
I am getting tired of high school along about now and have a desire to be independent. I wish I could leave home. I don’t like school and I don’t enjoy living at home.
January 23
It is seldom that I have a good serious talk with Nicky but I did today. I think she is changing for the better. She is also thinking more about her religion. Nicky thinks she will break up with Wayne. I hope she does because he is not a Christian but he is very smart and very nice.
Nikki was seventeen at this time and Wayne was about five years older than her. Their relationship caused our parents considerable anguish but they had lost control over Nikki some years earlier. Nikki did break up with Wayne sometime in 1967.
January 27
I went skating in town at the Stadium instead. I walked about two miles to our road before I had a lift. It was cold but the walk did me good. I feel much more relaxed now. I find that exercise releases mental strain and tension.
Discovering the relationship between exercise and mental health through experience as a teenager has served me very well my whole life.
As a fifteen year old living in rural Nova Scotia, to get anywhere I hitchhiked. It was very safe to do that in those days. My parents had no concerns and no reason to worry.
January 31
After catechism when we came home Mom, Dad, Nicky and myself began a discussion. It grew and became rather hot. It ended in a major fight. That makes two big ones this year. I didn’t record the other one. Mom hates Nicky because she thinks all Nicky wants is money.They treat each other as dirt. I open my big mouth and back Nicky up. Dad bellows ever so often. There is little communication left between parents and children in our family. I wish desparly (desperately) I had a father who read the Bible at meal times and had more time for his kids.
I remember the arguments and the fights and the angst I felt.
I will summarize some of the other experiences I wrote about.
In January 1967 I played a lot of chess. I played with my older brother Bill and with my younger brother Peter and with my father. I often played at school at noon hour. I was a member of the school Chess Club and I was the best player and proud of it.
I also attended basketball games, at noon hour and sometimes on Saturday when there were games with other schools. I liked watching the girls play, two in particular on whom I had a crush.
I was very shy and did not dare to talk very much with the girls I liked. But I wrote about it. When I first read about Linda I could not remember who she was. Might be Linda Wilson, I thought, but I was wrong. I checked my yearbook, which I still have as a scanned digital file, and now I remember. It was Linda Lindsay, who I thought was the prettiest girl at our school at that time.
And I wrote about my friendship with David Allen. We both struggled with depression. We both liked certain girls but were too shy to talk to them. We both felt very lonely. I was aware that David desperately wanted to make the basketball team. He did but spent most of his time on the bench. We communicated mostly by passing notes back and forth in class. We did not keep in touch after high school.
David and I also discussed religion. One girl I liked was Catholic and he did not like that. She is a Mickey, he said. I was quite aware of prejudice against Catholics by David, and my parents, and others. I remember thinking that Catholics were Christians so they must be okay.
February 2
We have chemistry lab today. David is my partner. Chemistry lab is my favorite class. I like doing the experiments and I also like the freedom in the class to move around and talk a bit
February 4
I was about to retire when Peter began to cry. Nicky went to him and went down and got Dad. He came up to take a look at Peter. Peter’s eyes were sore and Dad said it was because Peter had looked directly at the flame while Dad had wielded [sic] today, a strain which is too much for human eyes. Peter and Dad are quite close. Peter is a lot like Bill whom [sic] also has certain qualities which Dad likes. It makes me feel more lonely.
Looking back, I suspect that Bill and Peter, from their own point of view, did not have the close relationship with Dad that I imagined.
February 6
I would like so much to have a girl friend.
February 7
I listened to a pogram [sic] “World Tomorrow” on the radio. I liked it. This man forcasts [sic] things in the future on the basis of the Bible. He seems like a good Christian. I started writing a book tonight. I don’t expect to accomplish anything but I do it because I like to write.
February 8
I listened to the program “World Tomorrow” on the radio again. His outlook for the near future is very grim - food shortage, water shortage, water pollution, air pollution, over population, increased decease [sic], and increase [sic] traffic jams and accidents. But he points out a solution by the Bible. I think I will send for the literature he advertises.
February 10
I got my hair cut. The last time I got it cut was December 9. It was getting a bit long. I hate getting my hair cut.
For some reason which remains hidden from me, I have never liked getting my haircut. That is still true today. And now because of the pandemic, I have not had a haircut for twenty months.
February 11
I went outside for some exercise and fresh air to relieve mental tension for about an hour.
February 14
I officially quit as a member of the Chess Club. I lost interest. It wasn’t much of a club and besides I beat everybody… I feel depressed today. I guess I don’t like my parents although I should. God forgive me for it! They don't seem to love their children. Concerned yes but love no.I suppose deep in their hearts they do but they don't show it. I suppose that’s one reason why I would like to have a girl friend. Someone to like and share this part of my life with.
February 15
Depression continues today. I feel terribly lonely. I am not close to my parents or my brothers and sisters although I do get along with Nicky. David is my only good friend but he can’t give me the love I feel I need. I have prayed for a girl friend - the fellows at school would laugh if they new [sic] that. Either God’s answer is no or else he is trying my patience. There is certainly nothing more miserable than loneliness. David is lonely to [sic] and I feel sorry for him because I no [sic] what it is like.
February 16
Both Almeda and Linda looked very pretty today. I no [sic] I shouldn’t even permitt [sic] myself to look at girls. It only makes me more lonely and when I get lonely I get depressed. I wish I were happier… During lab this afternoon I did nothing but talk with another fellow - about girls, religion, sex. Our views were quite similar. I wish David would crawl out of his cave and talk more.
February 17
A [sic] interesting incident happened today. David had a [sic] eraser with the numbers 666 on it. I asked him if the numbers meant any thing to him. He said they were the numbers of the Beast. We don’t talk about religion much but this shows he knows his Bible quite well. I rubbed the numbers off his eraser and gave it back to him. Imagin [sic] carrying the sign of the devil around all day! The incident made me happy somehow. Depression lessen [sic] today.
February 18
There was a basketball tournament at school today… It would have been a great day if I didn’t come home. There is always a tense atmosphere and bitter conversation. I enjoy being in a group composed mostly of teenagers and also admire great athletic ability.
February 20
My depression came back in high gear again. I’m getting sloppy with my school work and if I don’t smarten up I fear I’ll do badly in the next exams. I feel despertly [sic] lonely lately… Armstrong says - on the basis of the Bible - that the European Common Market will grow to ten nations dominated by West Germany and move into the Near East. I believe him. I think that Christ will come in my lifetime if I may live to my life expectancy. I hope I won’t be disappointed.
February 21
Nicky, Dad and Mom had a short but voilent [sic] disagreement. A cup was broken as a result… I hide from my loneliness in a world of daydreams something like Walter Mitty. I wish I could find more happiness in reality.
If my memory is correct, Nicky threw the cup at the wall, smashing it. I do not know why I wrote about this so passively. But I was probably having difficulty processing the conflict between Nicky and our parents.
February 22
I tried to do some real earnest study tonight. I find it almost impossible to keep my mind on my work. I am getting a bit scared about my school work.
February 23
David sensed that something was bothering me and asked about it. I told him it was none of his business and he didn’t press the point although I hoped he would. It is almost impossible to carry on a deep conversation with David. He never leads a conversation, never talks about himself or his problems, and never prys into other people’s business. I had hoped I would profit him as a friend but I don’t seem to. Sometimes I get the impression that if I didn’t go around with him any more he wouldn’t care less. But it is hard to tell what David really thinks for he never shows his emotions.
February 25
I worked for Dad for a while this afternoon. I seldom help Dad. I have very little interest in Dad’s business. I know I should be more interested but one just can’t force interest in something.
February 26
I fooled around with Peter and Anne tonight while Mom and Dad were at church. I don’t play with them as much as I should. I’m not a good brother to them.
February 27
We took an IQ test at school today. I think I scored quite high.
I have a vague memory of what I scored. I hope I have the number recorded later in this diary. I am very curious about this.
February 28
We went to catechism tonight. I asked Rev. Hart for some literature on Calvin College and he is going to send for some.
Looking back, I had so much anxiety and depression at age fifteen. I now have a lot of compassion for my teenage self. At the time, neither my parents nor my teachers or anyone else had any knowledge of what was going on in my mind. I had no one to turn to for help. Writing my diary was probably very good therapy for me.
March 1
I don’t feel depressed today but feel as though I couldn’t care less about anything. I am actually getting scared about myself.I am not working as hard as I should be at my school work and my spiritual life is slack. I’m not happy. I think that if I were happier I wouldn’t take such a dim view.
March 2
I’m still not happy. I have driven myself against a mental brick wall. The only solution is to pray to God for help. But I don’t deserve help because it’s all my own fault.But God will help me anyway. So it seems like a never ending spiral which gets constantly deeper. As a result I am not happy and my school work is suffering.
March 3
Bill came home today. He has no classes today or Monday.I don’t enjoy his coming home. When he comes home he takes over completely and assumes that he is the boss and everybody jumps when he barks - or else. I just had to get out of the house for a while but didn’t want to go to town so I went to Terry’s. I stayed and watched T.V. till midnight. I ran back home. A good run at night plus the T.V. relieved some mental strain.
March 4
I read a science-fiction book tonight. I enjoy science fiction.
March 5
I beat Bill in a game of chess. I don’t think he enjoyed losing in front of his girlfriend but he didn’t show it.
March 7
I listened to the “World Tomorrow” program tonight. I still listen to it sometimes but I don’t always record it. Armstrong talks about Christ setting up a world government on earth. I think Christ will come in my lifetime to set it up. After all, the way the world’s going now everyone will be dead soon so we need God to help us soon.
March 8
I got mad at Dad tonight. It began over a triffle [sic] matter. I exploded and hollowered [sic] at Dad.It was short but violent. I suppose its [sic] a gross sin not to honor ones [sic] father. I regret it and know God will forgive me. Dad and I don’t get along well anyway and we have nothing in common. He thinks that if he provides money for food and clothes that it’s enough. He doesn’t seem to love his children, or take an interest in them or play with them. He doesn’t read out of the Bible to the family or pray aloud at meal times. He clearly dislikes Nicky and me. I find it hard to respect Dad let alone admire him. Oh, I wish I had a more loving father.
March 12
I feel happy today or I should say I feel content and am not unhappy.
March 13
Today was one of the most eventful days I have had for a long while… The material I sent for in connection with the “World Tomorrow” program came today. The literature is fasinating [sic]. It tells of things - mainly prophecy - which one would never hear in a church. Some people would say that he takes the Bible to [sic] litterally [sic] but I agree with most things he says because he bases it directly on the Bible. The literature made me genuinely happy. True happiness can come only from God.
March 14
For the past few weeks I have come under the influence of Armstrong’s “World Tomorrow” movement. I have read his booklets. He claims that Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain is on the throne of David and when Christ returns he will take over this throne and rule on earth for a thousand years. I went to catechism tonight and stayed afterward to talk about Armstrong with Rev Hart. Rev Hart says that this Armstrong movement is rediculous [sic] especially the part about Armstrong saying that the ten lost tribes of Israel have become mainly the British Commonwealth and U.S.A. He says it's all hogwash. I have now to [sic] forces fighting each other in my mind. One must be right. Who do I believe. Armstrong makes it seem so true by quoting the Bible directly. But yet I can’t discard what Rev. Hart says. I must make a descision [sic] but not for a while yet. I want to talk more with Rev. Hart. Also, I want to put the whole thing out of my mind until after exams.
March 15
I don’t believe things just happen… Armstrong sends out a beautiful magazine on request free. Why would God bless a false movement?Armstrong has something our church lacks - authority on the bases of God’s word.
March 17
I went to town tonight and got my hair cut - something I hate and, besides he did a lousy job this time. I went and shoot [sic] pool for a while and even won a game. I went to my first dance tonight at the Legion with the Lincolns playing. They are good as fair [sic] as their music is concerned but are extremely wild looking. Throughout the whole place was a sexy atmosphere - dimmed lights, the closeness of the people, and a bit of necking and petting in the corners.
March 18
Mom called Rev. Hart up about this Armstrong affair. I am going to discuss one of his booklets with Rev. Hart. I fear I am in for a long session with Rev. Hart… There are so many things ripping and tearing at my brain. I wish God would show me the truth about the Armstrong movement. That would be one less worry!
March 19
Peter is reading a Tarzan novel tonight - not a simplified edition either. He reads very advanced stuff for a ten-year old. Peter is the brightest ten-year old old I know as far as his mentality goes but I can’t see much spiritual life in him.
March 20
I read “Tarzan of the Apes” tonight. I was only going to read the first chapter but it was so good I read it all. It was the best book I had read for a long time.When I read I feel myself the main character and live his part. I find this is the best way to read and enjoy a good book. The hard part is returning to (?) reality. After I finished the book I I felt miserably lonely. Everywhere - in books and reality - people have a good friend and companion except me.
March 21
I think to [sic] much - so says Mom anyway - but I seem to be learning a lot of things young - which doesn’t seem to do much good.
March 22
Mom, Nicky, Dad and Peter had a short but violent fight tonight. I am tired of living in an atmosphere of of fighting and bitterness and dislikes. Dad sides with Peter; Mon is against Nicky and Peter is against Nicky. What a mess! I try to remain neutral which is impossible and usually stick up for Nicky. After a fight I feel like packing up and leaving! I am still lonely and depressed today and bukkling [sic] from the strain of writing exams.
March 23
The literature exam was hard but the geometry was a pushover.
March 26
“Easter” Sunday today. Too Bad that a lot of Christians don’ know that “Easter” means “sun god.”
March 27
I worked in the greenhouses and cleaned rhubarb… I have a slight headache today. The vacation isn’t giving me much rest and my head isn’t clearing like I hoped it would.
March 30
In the afternoon I went to see Rev. Hart and talk over the Armstrong bit. Although we both see some good things in him, I am convinced that his movement is wrong and that he is a false prophet - this clears up one conflict in my mind.
March 31
In the afternoon I read part of “God Speaks Out on the New Morality” by Ambassador College. Some of the things he says about his “movement” I just cannot accept. However, since I have no sex education from my parents or any other source other than I have acquired myself, I find the instruction part of the book surprising, helpful, and useful. I will try to think less about girls in the future - if that is possible.
I am capturing only parts of my diary so that this project does not take too much of my timApril 1e. I often wrote about girls I felt attracted to. I wrote about my friendship with David. I wrote about my struggle to stay motivated to do my school work. I made casual references to Bill dating Bonnie and going to university. I made a few references to Nicky dating Wayne.
I made some references to going to play rehearsals with our church’s Young People’s group. I have almost no memory of this activity now. I am surprised that I seemed to enjoy the experience because acting is far from where my interests or abilities lay.
Sometimes I used the word violent when describing family arguments. However, there was almost no physical violence in our family. What I remember is a lot of yelling and my own angst.
April 1
In the afternoo I read part of "God Speaks Out on the New Morality" by Ambassador College... since I have no sex education from my parents or amy other source other than I have acquired myself, I find the instruction part of the book surprising, helpful, and useful.
I was looking through the Calvin caralog. I think I would like to take a B.A, there. I would like to major in Psychology with possibly minors in Greek, Speech, or Sociology.
I am very happy now - especially since I realize true happiness can come only from God.
April 2
I am still in exceptionally high spirits today.
Mom and Dad are angry with Nicky because shae went our with Wayne till 3 o'clock last night.
April 4
I got back all my marks except physics. I figured my average at about 82% - not bad - higher than last term.
April 5
My struggle with my faith has resumed . The more I think of Armstrong's sayings the more believable they become - even though when view [sic] in the light of our church they are unquestionably false. Why so many many interpretations of the same Bible. Why must I experience this mental struggle. I feel I must find without doubt what the truth is - without a revelation from God this is impossible.
April 7
I am getting depressed and lonely again. I'm sick of our rotten school system.
Had play practice tonight. It's getting to be a drag.
April 9
I read "Herbert W. Armstrong and the Radio Church of God" by Walter R. Martin this afternoon. It procedes [sic] to tear apart the teaching of Armstrong. It did not clearify [sic] to me who is right.
April 11
David didn't say a thing about his grandmother. If I hadn't read it in the paper I would never know from David. Absolutely no display of emotions at all! Which makes me feel as though I have failed him as a friend.He does seem to think I'm the guy who he wants to share his deeper thoughts and emotions with. I don't think he has ever talked deeply to anyone. He bottles it all up inside him which is not good.
April 17
Our English teacher at school is savagely criticizing the modern public school system... The fact remains that education is without regard to God or the Bible and as long as it is remaining so no system will be successful.
Tension continues within the family.
April 20
Today was a little less boring than most school days.Probably because we have two labs on Thursday. In lab classes one can talk more and be freer which makes classes more enjoyable.
We had play practice tonight. It's getting to be a big drag. Nicky didn't know her lines yet and acts a fool most of the time. She's never serious about anything. I was ashamed of her. I reckon I knew my lines better.
April 21
We had play practice tonight. Wayne came and Nicky took off in the middle of rehersal [sic]. The other people got pissed off and I can't blame them.
I feel very depressed today. Sometimes - like now - I don't see much sense in living and feel like jumping off a cliff - which is not a Christian attitude. But I have confedence [sic] in the future, first college life and than married life - which I'm looking forward to.
April 24
Quite a lousy day today. School is so boring. It's little wonder why so many high school kids get drunk on weekends after a week of school. It's enough to drive one out of his mind.
I had another mild attack of diaherria [sic]. I get such indegestion [sic] every once in a while - nerves probably.
April 26
I was very depressed when I came home from school. I snapped at everybody - told Mom I hated school - which I do - and she got mad at me.
I had to help Dad do rhubard after supper. I care about as much for his business as as he does for his children. Mom says I should care more about the business but I am not going to set an example for my own father.
April 28
Today the whole school went to the Stadium, in the morning, to visit a "careerexpo".About 70 booths were set up with representatives of differnt careers at seach booth. David and I stopped at several booths. Later we just walked around and talked - mostly religion. I told David something about Armstrong. There's something about David which makes me like him a lot - probably because I know he is a Chritian!
May 1
I didn't go to school today. I had an appointment with a foot specialist since my foot has been bothering me lately. I had a wart - which I thought was a corn - on my little toe. He froze my toe and burnt the wart off with a minture "blow torch". I laughed when some smoke came from the toe. Well, its amusing to see ones toe "on fire" and feel nothing. After the effects of the drug which froze the toe wore off there wasn't any pain.
I have no memory of this today.
May 3
I did a important thing today. I sent for information on Ambassador College. It was quite a long and personal letter I wrote. I feel myself going more to Armstrongs way of thinking. It seems right. Our church - most churches - seems dead. If Armstrong is wrong than I hope God will correct me but I don't think he is.
May 5
David, Philip, Wendell and about ten others from grade eleven plus myself wrote a Math Scholarship Exam instead of going to regular class this morning. It was fun and I think I did better than most others.
Went to town tonight for new shoes. The doctor said I needed more room and a round nose shoe for my poor feet.
May 6
While talking to Mom this evening I told her for sure I was going to break with the church and go to Ambassador College if possible.
May 9
David and I passed a lot of notes back and forth in class today. David told me he writes to no less than four girls, likes praticularly two or three girls at school, as a "local number one" who doesn't go to our school but does attend their Y.P. meetings. There is a lot behind that poker face of David. David is a good friend. I like him a lot. He is the only person that even begins to understand me.
May 10
My depression is worse today. I better soon snap out of it because I got an important set of exams coming up. I had a lousy day at school today. At home tonight I had to change the bandage on my toe. I received little help. I got mad and hollewerd at Bill and Nicky for not helping me - but really i hallowed because I was irritated and sought that as an outlet. Hollowering made me more depressed.
May 11
Today I recieved a copy of "God speaks out on the New Morality" by Armstrong. Mom sent for it for me. Although I have already read it I am glad I have a copy for myself.
May 13
At about 9:45 this evening Wendell and Philip came to get me. There was a coffee house at school - by candle light. I didn't enjoy myself. Somehow even in the crowd I was lonely. I guess I'm queer because I'm not like the other fellows. They dance while I seldom even talk to a girl. I like girls but I think I'm scared of them in a way.
May 14
Dad is sick today. He is very depressed - business is going poorly and several big payments must be met soon. Sometmes he gets discouraged and talks of selling the place. I hate him giving up. He is not like he used to be. He used to pray - aloud - and read the Bible. (I don't remeber him as such but Mom told me this.) He is so occupied in his bisiness he neglects his family completely. I feel sorry for Dad. It really breaks me up to see him this way.
May 16
Our last catechism class was tonight. It makes me think and lets in a mental conflict between Armstrong and our church. I don't like our church so much anymore - too dutch, too calvinistic, and, too dead. But maybe I’m just rebellious!
May 17
Bill bought a Volkswagen today and traded in his Oldsmobile.
May 18
Lab day today. We get some fairly good discussions going sometimes - not always about the lab either.
David and I are both “fundamentalists” in the sense that we take the Bible much more literally.
May 19
About nine this evening Philip came out and got me and we went to a dance at Brookfield.
I was alone sitting around the edge.
I feel hollow, lonely and depressed now. One song expresses my mood well.
He’s a real nowhere man
Living in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans
For nobody.
May 24
Mom said something about Nicky coming home at 3 A.M. when she goes out with Wayne. Nicky tried to justify it by saying she wasn’t brought up right. Later she “got sick of you guys” (Mom & Dad & me) and slammed a cup down on a saucer and broke both. Mood is very depressed.
May 26
I did some thinking on it myself. I always make things complicated by seeking reasons for my actions and those of other people. The thought occurred to me that Nancy appealed to me because I find it easier to talk to her being only a young kid than girls more my own age. It is an interesting thought but not a comforting one.
May 29
I was called to the office at school today. I was one of eight students picked by the principal to take part next year in a “Reach for the Top” interscholastic compatition[sic] program. Of the eight picked four will be finally chosen to represent our school. I consider it a bit of an honour[sic] since I didn't think I was rated that high by the office!
May 30
I didn't go to school today. I had an appointment with the doctor in Halifax to see about my toe. It was O.K. - I don't have to wear the bandage anymore. I hitch-hiked up and back. I enjoy hitch-hiking. I like the meeting and talking to strangers. I had good luck getting there but very poor luck getting back. I spent to[sic] hours walking out of the city to the highway before getting a lift.
May 31
I read some more of Armstrongs booklets. One - The Ten Commandments - presents a way of life. And it guarantees happiness. Not because Armstrong says so but because the Bible says so. Our church doesn't seem to present a way of life. Its members donèt seem overly happy possessing abundant lives.
I beat Bill at chess tonight.
I am in a happy mood.
June 1
I played ball tonight. I can’t stay home and study when it is such beautiful weather that we have had so little of so far this year and while I know the other kids in the community are playing ball.
Mood is a joyful one.
June 2
Bill rolled his VW twice over tonight. He was going to the Prom but wasn’t hurt. He went to the Prom anyway but called home first. Dadwent to look at the car and thought about $350 damage! Bill didn’t even make the first payment yet.
June 3
Bill came home at about dinner time. He had gone to the Prom, went to a party at the Curling Club, then a breakfast party, then to the hospital for X-Rays and had his arm put in a sling and then came home. He had gone to the Doctor before going to the Prom. From what I can gather the accident was his fault and went like this. Bill went to pass someone but a car came from the opposite direction. Bill slammed on the brakes then lost control and the car began taking summer-saults. One fellow seen it and said he went over 6 times but Bill thinks only 4. That fellow thought Bill would be dead. Bill didn’t panic at all but held on to the steering wheel with all his strength and as a result tore the ligaments in his shoulder. No broken bones. It certainly didn’t break his spirit because he went to Bonnie’s tonight and could drive with only one arm.
June 4
I read a little in the book I bought in Halifax. "The Concept of Mind" - Gilbert Ryle. I shall try to read more books on a college level such as that one in the future. It is quite heavy reading but very educational.
June 5
I got the results back of the Provincial math exam that we wrote at the first of May. I scored a 73% - first in our school, second in the county and ninth out of four hundred fifty-three in the province. I don’t think I get a prize but I get great satisfaction from the accomplishment.
Bill got an estimate at the garage as to how much it would cost to repair the VW - $675 - but he plans to do it another way and thinks he can get it done much cheaper.
June 7
I played on the team for a practice round for Reach For the Top at school today. The questions were hard and I answered only two.
At school today we had T.B. tests for the third time this year. We usually have them once every two years but several cases have been reported at school. I have always been negative so far.
June 8
Today was the last day of classes at school before provincial exams which began the 16th.
I read Armstrong’s Plain Truth on Child Rearing. No wonder our family does not function well. There has been very little good parental discipline.
June 9
I have been much happier the last few weeks than back in the winter. Playing ball - the fresh air and exercise and the lightheartedness of it - was good for me. But now I feel lonely again.
June 15
I talked with mother some tonight - largely religion - Armstrong and our church.
June 17
The cataloge from Ambassador College finally came today. I like the college and now for sure hope to go there.
June 19
Today’s exams, geometry and algebra weren’t to hard. I usually make my highest mark in math.
David and I talked together at noon hour. It was mostly light conversation. The type of close relationship between us that I had hoped for never did materialize.
June 20
We wrote English B and Chemistry today. Both exams were tough. English was a three hour paper, Chemistry two and a half hours. That is quite a strain. A lot of students think they failed today.
June 23
I wrote my last exam this morning. I am very glad its all over - not so much academically but mentally. Its not been a happy year - in fact, I think is been the least enjoyable I have ever had.
June 26
I set a mile stone today. I worked the hardest day of my life. Bill and I put in a 10½ day planting cabbage - which is hard work.Bill wanted to prove to Dad that he and I could plant 10,000 in a day. Dad did it once with three people working all day. Bill and I planted 10,200 together today.
Bill planted about 700 per hour; I about 500. Dad can plant about 400.
June 27
I didn’t sleep well last night. I had a headache when I went to bed and sleep was a long time coming.
I planted cabbage for a little more than an hour but I was to sick to plant.
June 30
Entry written July 3
After work on Friday (June 30) Dad and Mom drove me to the Young Peoples League Camp. When there is a long weekend in the summer the young people of the Maritimes get together. The camp went Friday night, Sat., Sun., and Mon.
I wrote quite a bit about this church camp which I enjoyed. I connected with a guy a few years older than me and we spent most of the weekend talking. We discussed God, religion, our church, Armstrong, Calvin College, Ambassador College and, of course, girls.
July 5
My thoughts are still on the weekend. That John Fisher was quite a fellow.
Mood - happy and peaceful.
July 7
After supper I went for a swim and then to Terry’s where we watched T.V. for a while. I am glad we don’t have a T.V. and as it is I still watch to much of it. I enjoy it when I watch it but I know it is harmful for the mind and therefore void it. My mood is slightly depressed.
July 10
I went to Hank Klein-Nibblelink with the milk truck today. I will be working here as I did last summer - helping him hay. I like being away from home for a while. I find it does one go to leave home for a while. I liked it very much here last summer. Hank bought a new tractor - 50/50 with Carl Fulton. I will be driving the new tractor. I hoed turnips this afternoon and harrowed with the new David Brown after supper.
July 11
I was up at 6 A.M. Hank is going to call me earlier this year. Last summer I slept in till breakfast time - about 8 A.M. This year , however, I am getting 25 per week where as last year I got only 15.
Last summer here was the happiest period in my life and I am looking forward to a similar summer this year.
July 15
Nicky is having a great time in Halifax.
July 26
We didn’t have any hay dry today so we didn’t hay.
I am following a series in the Free Press Weekly on UFOs. I am inclined to believe their is no such thing as "flyings saucers" because no mention of intelligent life besides on earth is made in the Bible.
July 27
I was up at 7:15 and we worked until 9:45. It’s a long day but, looking back on it, I rather like it - its good for me. Today was clear bright sunshine with a good breeze and we made our best quality hat today. In his prayer, Hank thanked God for the beautiful weather.
August 3
Another beautiful day, weatherwise, today. Somehow I was depressed some. I’m not as happy here as I was last year but still much happier than when I was going to school or working home. Nothing here has changed to make it less happy except me.
August 5
My marks came today. They weren’t too bad - average 80.8. I even made 78 in physics.
August 7
Another mile stone today - my 16th birthday. I went back to Hank’s as usual this morning. I didn’t tell him it was my birthday. He went to town with his family and I worked alone all afternoon.
August 12
I didn’t get paid today because Hank had no more money. He would have given me a check if I really wanted it. He’s very serious about wages. I hitched-hiked home again. While I’m at Hank’s home seems something far away. I never think about it and don’t miss it. I have long completely conformed to life at Hank’s.
August 13
I feel kind of miserable today - lonely, confused, lost. I wrote three letters today. Two to different sources for booklets opposed to Armstrong - largely on John Fisher’s advice to get both sides of the picture which I didn’t get around to following until now. The other letter was to the Regestrar of Ambassador for an application form.
August 16
Hanks girls kind of go for me. I’m a bit like a brother to them. Betennake likes to hold me hand and walk with me. Sometimes she’ll say "I love John" and lean on me - until Minnie tells her to sit up and behave. But I don’t mind. The three girls play together. The don’t fight nearly as much as Peter and Anne.
August 17
I even remember that Nicky has her 18th birthday today. That gives her certain responsibilities despite her immaturity.
August 19
I didn’t get paid again. Hank’s broke and I have to wait till the next milk cheque. But I don’t mind. I had very good luck coming home.
August 26
We finished haying by dinner time. We were both happy to be done. I can look back on a summer of happiness and accomplishment.I hitched-hiked home after dinner. I think the girls were sorry I wasn’t coming back.
August 27
Mother feels I have become to radicle in accepting Armstrong and rejecting out church although she to is mixed up. It is not a matter of accepting Armstrong but rather the truth.
August 29
I picked cucumbers for Dad today and harrowed a couple of fields for Bill. Dad watched me like a hawk and did the first round of harrowing. I am used to be freer and have more responsibility. Hank just told me to harrow and that’s all.
August 30
I worked some in the greenhouse this morning than mowed the lawn. Then I went to the exhibition. I took $5.50 - paid a $1 to get in and started gambling. Last year I made $6 on a certain game. This year I lost $4.50. It’s easy enough to quit when your ahead but I started to lose and tried to win it back. I felt rotten for a while - then vowed never to gamble in my life agai
I met some friends - Billy Rankin has an average of 87.
August 31
I spent the better part of the day preparing a speech for the rally. It’s against smoking.
I wasn’t going to do it at first but last night I met Peter B and he said I’d better because I had said I would.
September 1
I am in tremendous high spirits today and I see no particular good reason why.
It would be much, much later in life that I would learn about cyclothymia.
September 2
Entry written September 4
We motored to Fredderickton. Some 260 miles. We had rain all the way and also Sunday and some Monday.
Rules were very strict.
Two girls were caught in the boys quarters and were asked not to come to any more rallies. It not likely will be enforced.
September 3
There were three contestants in the speech contest. One was a complete flop. The other, a girl who won the past two years, was in my estamation very good but the judges said that although the speaking was good the speech itself was confused and not constructed on the problem solution basis as required by the rules. The third speaker was me and I won. No one was more surprised than me.
So I get a free trip to Ontario next spring to represent our league at the district rally.
September 5
Back to school today. I had a gaseous and the runs after supper for a little while (nerves). It is no conincidence that I was alright all summer but on the first day of school I have an upset stomach.
September 7
I had gas in my stomach again. I wish it would settle down.
September 8
I went to Terry’s for a while and then came home and listened to the speeches of candidates for the P.C. leadership. Sometimes it is amusing because they act like little kids.
September 9
I spent the evening following the P.C. leadership balloting. Of course we had all hoped for Stanfield to win but never really expecting it but he did.
September 13
Rather a pleasant development at school today. Another boy and I were lab partners in biology. Two girls were partners. The two girls went to my partner and asked him if we wanted to split up and each take one of them for a partner. He asked me and I would if I could have first choice. He agreed and choose Natalie Townsend for my partner. She was in my class in grade ten too. I always did like her and think she is pretty.
September 16
I picked a load of rocks this morning and got the tractor stuck. Dad was mad at me.
I read an Ellery Queen book this afternoon “The Finishing Stroke” It was the best EQ book I have read. It was a masterpiece of structive of plot. It realy fascinated me.
Mood - depressed.
I had completely forgotten Ellery Queen so I googled him.
Ellery Queen… was an American cousin duo who were coauthors of a series of more than 35 detective novels featuring a character named Ellery Queen
September 18
David and six other classmates will not be at school this week. He was one of eighty students from our school who went on an organized trip to Expo. I could have gone but I prefer to save my $100 for college.
I read the book on Adam Clayton Powell - a very educational book. One surprising fact I learned was that race riots took place as far back as 1919. I has always thought they were a thing of the 1960s. Its just that they are so much worse now.
September 19
Catechism began again this evening for another season. I don’t enjoy it or find it helpful. I am going for only one reason - to keep Mom and Dad happy.
September 20
Biology lab today. Natalie had her hair piled up on top of her head. I like it long and straight to her shoulders.
I was accepted for the Driver Education course.
September 21
I played a game of chess at school with one of last year’s classmates. I won of course.
September 22
I went to Terry’s after supper. We had a catch with the football and then watched T.V.
September 26
I play chess with Alan Somebody (a new boy in my room who came out from B.C. this summer). He pulled a quick and effective attack right at the first and gained 5 points in material. But I fought at his prime weaknesses (an unprotected king and a Queen with very little mobility) and won. Very enjoyable game.
After high school, Allan Wellwood married Natalie and we have remained connected. He is a very nice man with a great sense of humor and they are a lovely couple. I always visit with them on trips back to Nova Scotia
September 29
David and I seem to be drifting apart. Alan is new to the school and needs friends so I can hardly avoid him. But David is an old friend and I should be loyal to him.
October 1
We had a fairly good trip down to Halifax. We played a warm-up match for Reach for the Top - we won 180 - 120. Then we lost the test run 85 - 65. Then the real thing. They got the jump on us and got a 90 point lead. Bill was terribly nervous. I wasn’t but I was giving wrong and very stupid (some I new were completely wrong but its better to guess and keep in the game than go cold.) Shelia came through and we won 185 - 105.
October 2
Mom and I got talking about Armstrong. Although she had implied it before she said she would sooner I never go to Ambassador and she thinks for sure Armstrong is a false prophet.
I went over to Terry’s to shoot pool and watch Reach for the Top. I must admit I looked the best on T.V. - smiling, cool, natural. I think I even scored more than Jim.
October 3
David stated he didn’t like Alan. I was at Alan’s place for about half an hour Sunday evening before I came home. He is interested in car models (a creative hobby) and he wants to become a pilot (he’s really sincere on that) and he likes James Bond books. The only thing we have in common is chess. I only wanted to help him get started because he was new. How can I get rid of him without making it difficult for him.
October 5
I went over to Terry’s after supper. We played pool and boxed some. Terry’s much to fast for me. He hits me but I can’t come near him.
October 7
Both Bill and Nicky are home for the long weekend - which means more noise. Anne and Peter make a lot of noise. Mom can’t handle them and than gets angry with Dad for not caring for his children. Mom is obviously not happy with the life Dad gave her in Canada. She had a nice house with nice furniture there. She wants it here to.
I’m not in a happy mood. I’m rather lonely again. I wish there was someone who could understand me, accept me and believe in me. I’m different from most kids at school and I feel it. I’m shy with girls, like to think, have standards - these things aren’t accepted.
October 9
Bill, Dad and I gathered cabbage this morning.
At 4:30 we received another order for cabbage for a ship.
October 10
A joyless day at school. It looks like this year will be the same as last year.
October 15
Alan came up on his ten speed bicycle. We just fooled around not doing much of anything. He said he was going to trade his chem lab partner for Natalie. I couldn’t talk him out of it. He wants to take her out some time in the future but somehow I don’t think it will work out for him.
October 16
I didn’t go to school today because I’m not feeling well. I didn’t feel like doing anything all day but I managed to do some school work. This afternoon Alan called to give me my homework. He also told me that he successfully carried out his “trade”.
This is so interesting to read now. Alan and Natalie later married and we have all remained friends to this day.
October 17
Although I felt better today I didn’t go to school. I have quite a bad cough.
I sent the better part of the day reading my book on the Watts riots. I really felt sorry for those negros.
October 19
We had chem lab today. Natalie’s Allan’s partner now. Mine is Deborah Townsend, Natalie’s cousin.
October 20
I had an appointment with Mr. Hines, our guidance counceller, this working. A few days some of the grade twelve students took a Kuder Vocational Preference and we talked to Mr. Hines for its interpertation. I scored 99% in literary and 95 in computational - my only significant scores. That puts me into such things as accounting, statistician, chemical and civil engineering, teacher (math, English), editor, reporter.
October 25
Today was quite an ordinary day. I don’t know what to write down - nothing very interesting happened. Although school presents a bit of strain and a dull routine, I haven’t been really depressed lately.
October 26
I felt lonely today. I wish I had someone to talk with - just a companion. I feel awkward when I talk to David. I don’t know what to say anymore.
October 28
Peter went to his first dance last night - at eleven years of age. Even Nicky didn’t didn’t dance that young. I asked Peter if he could dance. He said, “Sure, it’s easy. All you have to do is put your arm around the girl.” Poor Boy! Nicky has another boyfriend - A Roman Catholic. Mom told her she’d better not go around with a Catholic anymore. Nicky asked if she could bring him home stating that if she couldn’t she herself wouldn’t come home. For the sake of not fighting Mom said she could come home with him. But Dad said she may as well not come home. (I was surprised to hear that come from Dad)
October 29
The trip to Halifax was dull. Few people went. (Alan went again) The practice runs in Reach for the Top had scores of 85 to 50 for us and 70 to 135 for us. But we were slautered 220 to 90 in the actual game. We received a pin for our efforts.
October 30
I have had one of the hardest days I have had for a long time. To start with Natalie quit biology. I can’t blame her for it but it left me lonely. We got some tests back. I had some low marks - 40, 54, 64, 65, 70. This is poor for me. The English teacher chewed me out a bit.
October 31
David made some obvious (obvious to me any way) smart remarks to Alan. Alan took no offence because I don’t think he thought it was meant to be offensive.