The Painting
The Process
One day in 2014 I had an idea. Over the next few days it developed and grew in my mind. It began to excite me. I knew that it would be possible to actualize my idea here in Ajijic. I decided to capture my life as a work of art.
This kind of an idea would probably never have occurred to me while I lived in Calgary. It is not a big city idea. It is not the kind of idea that emerges when focused on work and earning a living. But I am now retired and I now live in a small community with a flourishing arts scene. The stage of our lives and the environments in which we live impact the kinds of ideas we are capable of generating.
Soon after moving to Ajijic I met a man, Richard Di Castri, with whom I connected well and a friendship developed and grew. He is an artist and I liked his style, the way he utilized symbolism in an imaginative way that captures meaning.
During one of our regular coffee shop visits I pitched my idea to Richard. I asked him if he was willing to try to express his interpretation of my life by creating a large oil painting. He enthusiastically agreed as this was the type of artwork he liked to do.
Of course I wanted to properly compensate him for his efforts. We agreed on an amount and he soon started to work on our project. He said that if I did not like what he produced I should not feel obligated to complete the transaction. But I replied that it would not be right to give him artistic freedom and then reject what that generated.
We both realized that this project involved some risk. Richard had some doubts and lacked confidence in his ability to deliver, quite unfounded in my view. I knew that there was a possibility that I would not like the painting. This was a risk I was willing to take and the uncertainty added excitement to the endeavor.
Richard shared that the most challenging aspect of projects like this one was developing the concept in his mind. Once that was clear in his mind he indicated that the painting process itself would go quickly. He was finished quicker than I had anticipated.
Pat and I were invited to Richard’s place for the unveiling. Both Pat and I immediately liked what we saw. Beforehand Richard had provided us with his written interpretation which I had requested along with the painting. Pat and I had enjoyed speculating what symbols Richard would use. We were partially correct but there were also some interesting surprises.
Pat and I took the painting to a local framing shop and we were initially disappointed in the limited selection. But we found one that we both liked and one was all we needed. In typical Mexican fashion, we were promised completion in two weeks which actually stretched into eight.
After we got the painting home and being able to look at it every day, I wrote my own interpretation of it. The more I looked at it the more it resonated with me and I hope that I will be able to enjoy this incredible work of art for many years. I have a very special place planned for this painting but that is another chapter in the story of my life. In any event, I can now say that my life is indeed a work of art.
My Interpretation
My life is a work of art. My life has darkness and light, agony and ecstasy, crisis and calm, confusion and clarity, illness and health. Here I am in full existential angst!
I am the centre of the universe and I am alone. I do not say this with any sense of importance or feeling of isolation. I am simply very aware that in spite of great relationships and interpersonal connections, I and everyone is ultimately alone. I feel the human limitations which are barriers to full intimacy. I realize that only I can be an expert on myself.
For a big part of my life, for twenty-five years I was a member of a benign cult, the Worldwide Church of God. It ceases to exist and all that remains is a dry, empty skull. But exciting a cult at midlife exposed me to the light and opened me to new ways of thinking and living.
I abandoned the pursuit of truth through religion as the weight of wisdom from philosophy landed heavily upon me.
Knowledge flows into me as I try in vain to quench my thirst for learning more about the many things which deeply interest me.
I reflect on my career, a pile of rubble of unobtained goals, missed opportunities and bad choices. Today I am no longer a hollow man dedicated to an impersonal organization. But I am not unsatisfied knowing I always did the best I could with my limited skills. Although work was often stressful, I am grateful for the many wonderful colleagues I knew and the intense learning experiences I had. I am finally free from the slavery of my own unrealistic ambitions.
I sit on a watery foundation content with the knowledge that all solid foundations are illusions.
Flowers bring me joy, the beauty of ideas bring me joy, many things bring me joy. I am grateful for much. I am in awe of the existence of the universe and my own conscious self.
Crisis - Deluge and Expansion
Painting and text by Richard J. Di Castri
The term - Breakdown - has been coined to indicate a crisis in Mental Health. The psyche breaks as it succumbs to confusion and disorder. A Breakdown suggests a kind of flaw in the Individual - an inherent weakness. Knowing looks pass between us in the elevator on the way to the office; - have you heard? - he had to take a leave of absence - can't cope - he had a breakdown. Even Healthy, well- adjusted Human Beings can fall victim to this dark visitation - coming like a thief in the night and stealing away the sanity of an unexamined, unquestioning way of life.
Breakdowns usually happen quietly, secretly, ashamedly - reducing the productive reasonable Person, into a shadow of their former self - unable to relate; confused, and isolated. Mental Health gives way to Mental Illness, and the categories which denote those suffering an array of disorders.
Modern Society requires strong Individualism - an iron-clad constitution able to shoulder-on, unfazed by the demands and expectations which keep the road clear of questions or uncertainty. A nine to five job, the three week vacation, keeping the Bills paid and balancing Social obligations; there just isn't the time or space for a Breakdown.
Somewhere and Forgotten in this dilemma of Mental Health, is the idea of The Soul. The kernel of wholeness poised between the Worlds of Psyche and Imagination, and the outside - Real world of practical considerations and realistic expectations. The Soul might be thought of in the guise of a juggler - walking a tightrope while keeping all the pins in the air. Seen in this way, the Soul has a job to perform. However, must the Soul be confined within this dull construct of Urban perspective? Might there be another image? - another role imagined?
Somewhere in the darkness, poised between a Utopian vision of contentment and productivity, and a wilderness of Imagination and dreams - an Owl takes wing , a stealthy night flyer and messenger of the Unconscious - bringing a stir of shadows - of possibilities both hoped for and dreaded. The Soul stirs - stretching- out, seeking space. A crisis in consciousness occurs - doubts and questions - who am I?- where am I? - Who are these other people? - What is this for? Where are we going? - WHY? Slowly, the veneer begins to fall away, what was taken for granted can no longer suffice; the world as it once was, can no longer be.
In the space between Doubt and Certainty - the stretching of Consciousness commences. Crisis is the herald of this expansion, born on the wings of the nightflyer - embraced and welcomed by the Soul - pushing beyond the boundaries of the known and familiar. Constructs which serve as anchors to certainty are shaken, and the foundations of values begin to crack. The Utopian vision is overwhelmed in a flood of confusion and overtaken by grief. The future promise of Light - of the Possible, contrasts the effort of the past, and in the center between light and dark - between the known and the unknown, the Soul expands. A new direction emerges, a new course is charted and Life begins again.