During her visit in 2018 my sister Nikki and I began planning her second visit in 2020. March had been already too hot for her comfort so I suggested coming in February. This timing would coincide with the festival de febrero which I thought she would enjoy.
Nikki arrived on February 2nd. We attended five of the sixteen festival events on the 5th, 7th, 10th, 13th and 15th and we greatly enjoyed them all. I appreciated the opportunity to share this pleasurable experience with Nikki.
Music seemed to be theme for this visit. We also attended the Chapala Talent Show Finale at the Auditorio and very much enjoyed the performances. It was also a fundraiser for Escuela para Niños Especiales, a school for developmentally disabled children. The event was clearly organized by expats and is a great example of the fine contribution made by expats to the local community.
We attended the performance of The Compañía de Ópera de Jalisco at Open Circle and were somewhat disappointed. As it began, I immediately thought this is not Vivaldi which we had enjoyed the previous evening at the closing concert of the music festival. I was mildly irritated by the expats who gave a standing ovation at Open Circle, cheapening the gesture in my opinion. I was pleased that neither Nikki nor Pat nor many others stood when giving their applause.
We also had one pleasant evening watching a playlist of YouTube videos of music I wanted to share with Nikki.
During her visit Nikki asked me about my opinion on Canada’s First Nations which led to several interesting discussions. First and foremost, I would say that the problems are very complex and no one seems to have a comprehensive solution. In recent years I have become aware that I, and all Canadian immigrants, are the beneficiaries of the wars of conquest waged by white Europeans hundreds of years ago. I think we should acknowledge this fact and express our profound regret for this historical reality. I think that the Truth and Reconciliation Commission did important work regarding the residential school abuse. We should do something similar in regards to the wars of conquest. And I believe we should make significant reparations. Acknowledging that buildings today are on what was once First Nations land is an act so trivial that it insults First Nations peoples. At the same time, I feel no guilt and believe no one alive needs to feel guilt or shame for the actions of others long ago. It is a matter of what needs to be done today to heal old wounds.
I admire those who work to better a relationship between First Nations and other Canadians. It is a good cause, but there are many good causes. It does not need to be my cause nor Nikki’s cause. Some people see the plight of the First Nations through an “us” / “them” lens, what we need to do for them. This is extremely simplistic and unhelpful and may be driven partly to satisfy the ego needs of the do gooders.
First Nations also need to do much more to improve their situation. Nikki, Pat and I read a post on facebook that captures one aspect of this. Also, in my opinion, the problem of the abuse of First Nations peoples by First Nations leadership needs to be solved. And First Nations need to forgive the acts of those who conquered them, necessary for their own healing, not for our benefit.
During our conversations I was impressed by Nikki’s intuitions about how the First Nations matter impacts her life. Our actions should be guided by our heart, not by the objectives of others. We should be very cautious telling other people what they should do.
I was pleased that Pat and Nikki got along well. They enjoyed shopping together at Galerias mall while I stayed in the coffee shop reading a book. The following week we made a day trip to Tlaquepaque. Again Pat and Nikki enjoyed shopping together while I again stayed at the coffee shop and spent my time reading.
I highly value my conversations with Nikki and I am grateful that she allows me to write about them. We talked openly and easily about a wide range of subjects. Her favorite time here was enjoying her morning coffee on the front terrace, watching the sunrise and looking at the lake. On three mornings this was complemented with delicious cheesecake purchased from the Cheesecake Factory at the Galerias mall. She also made good use of the back terrace in the afternoons.
We again reminisced about Pa. I last saw my father on a Friday two days before he died. He was very much at peace and that is a lasting memory of mine. Nikki saw him the next day. He tried to say something to her but he could not speak. She remembers his frustration which upset her. That is her lasting memory.
Nikki and I watched Donald Trump give his State of the Union speech. This was a treat for me because Pat has little interest in politics. Nikki and I both thought the speech was effective although neither of us agreed with a significant amount of the content. Later in the visit we watched the Democratic Debate in Nevada, again without Pat. Both Nikki and Pat intuitively feel that Trump will get a second term. I believe that that is possible but I also believe that the future is unpredictable, unknowable.
It is sad to watch a sibling decline in health. Compared to two years ago, Nikki is a little slower and less energetic. Her left leg sometimes drags a bit more. She often coughs when eating and it seems like she is choking, however, medical tests found no problem with swallowing. But Nikki does not wallow in self-pity and adds welcomed laughter to our home.
On February 9th we attended Open Circle for a presentation by Loretta Downs entitled How to Die When You're Ready. I am an admirer of Loretta Downs who handles a difficult topic about as well as possible. Nikki was conflicted about Loretta’s advice telling us to take control of our own death. She understands the idea intellectually but ending our own lives is contrary to her faith.
That afternoon we attended the Jewish Film Festival and saw The Farewell Party which we expected to be a comedy but we were mistaken. That was a lot about death and dying for one day! But Nikki, Pat and I are comfortable discussing the subject.
We discussed her existential angst. As a Christian she, like many others, had expected the second coming of Jesus Christ in her lifetime. A few years ago that hope faded. She was forced to confront her own mortality in a new way which she found depressing. At times she looked forward to her next life as a relief from the cares of this life. Existential angst is something I am familiar with, having confronted it at midlife.
Nikki’s angst is different from mine. She's not afraid of being dead. It is the possibility of pain and suffering and being alone that troubles her. We are similar in that both of us have a low tolerance of pain. My source of my angst is the uncertainty of when I will die, hopefully not for a long time.
She has had a difficult life with many challenges but she has maintained a positive attitude and a capacity to enjoy life.
I had witnessed Nikki’s seizure in July, 1987 at the 40th wedding celebration of our parents. She was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and in August had surgery. That traumatic event has been a dark shadow over her life ever since. She has lived with blood tests every three months and visits her neurologist, Dr. King, every six months or sometimes more often. She has needed medication to suppress epilectic seizures. She starts her day with Tylenol for arthritic pain.
At the time of her brain surgery her marriage to Robert was not going well and was causing her much stress. She still remembers her disappointment of waking up from surgery and seeing Mom sitting by her bed. She had secretly hoped to die during surgery as a relief from this life and the beginning of a new life in heaven.
In 1993 Nikki separated from Robert after twenty-five years of marriage. Robert died last year and Nikki felt relief from finally being completely psychologically free from the bond of marriage. We reminisced about her two trips to Hawaii, performance rewards earned by Robert as an excellent pharmaceutical salesman. Nikki has little interest in a second marriage.
Nikki almost died in 2004. She had hit her head on a bathroom cupboard door, on the very spot where her brain surgery had occurred. The wound did not heal and she scratched when it itched. It became infected and the infection penetrated her skull. Emergency surgery saved her life. I had been aware of this episode but memories fade and reminders are good.
Only half jokinglty, Nikki told me several times that she is jealous of my hair. Because of her surgery and her medications, her own hair is very thin. When out in public she wears a wig or a hat. Around our house she is comfortable with her natural look and so are Pat and I. I shared with Nikki the fact that strangers on the street in Ajijic have stopped me to compliment me on my hair.
Since her visit two years ago, Nikki has added a third drug to her daily regiment, Zoloft. Her diagnosis of dysthymia is one I can easily understand. At one point in my life about fifteen years ago I would probably have been diagnosed with cyclothymia.
Nikki and I discussed family shit. I know of several troubling situations that seem to be buried, some deeply and some just below the surface. Although we can talk about them, they are not part of my story and I will not write about them at this time. I do not take sides in family conflicts and my desire is to get along with everyone. I hope for the well being of everyone, for the healing of wounds, for understanding and forgiveness.
There is little we can do to change these realities but we can enjoy our time together. And I can capture this experience as best I can with these words that I am writing as the memories will fade too quickly. Words and pictures and memories are incomplete and inadequate but we have no other way to preserve our experiences.
At the moment Nikki feels stuck but for good reason. For now, she wants to remain in Truro near mom, who is 100 and still relatively healthy but will not live much longer. She is unsure of what changes she will make after mom dies and is not making those decisions yet. It may not be wise for Nikki to live independently for many more years. Currently she has a valuable circle of support.
We are hoping for another visit in 2022, hoping rather than planning because of the uncertainties of life. From Lakeside, Nikki will travel to Calgary to spend time with her son René and his family. He gives his mother excellent support and made her trip to visit me possible, something I am very grateful for. Nikki also gets wonderful support from her daughter, Renita, who lives in Toronto. In Truro, Nikki has additional support from several valuable relationships.
I wanted to understand more deeply the support around Nikki. She gave me a list but we did not have time to explore them as I had hoped. Next on her list after her children came Healing Streams International and specifically Steve, Bill and Nancy, and Valerie. Then came Sergio, Alfred, Paula, Dr. King, Trevor, her family doctor, Lia and Guy and Izzy. And, of course, I try to support my sister as best I can.
During her visit, I learned more about the spiritual community which she has been part of for decades. She spoke highly of Steve, the pastor, and I had a look at his website, Steve McEvoy Ministries International. I also had a look at his professional work at the byDesign Group. On spiritual matters, which we both highly value, Nikki and I often agree to disagree. Like other Christian friends of mine, she hopes I will change course but I am comfortable with my own path. But our differences on this important matter causes no tension between us.
There are discussions with Nikki that I hope to continue via email. Every human being is unique and I believe each one of us can make a contribution to the collective wisdom of the human race. Each of us have a unique story to tell, that of our experience of life and what we have learned. My questions for Nikki, and for everyone, are as follows: What makes your life meaningful? What is important? What is interesting?